Shame: I am writing this on 11/22/2025. Two days ago I was doing errands and I hadn't taken care of my appearance. I kept my head down. I didn't want to look anyone in the eye because I was so ashamed of my appearance that I didn't want anyone to know that I was there. That's how I've felt most of my life. From a very young age I was told that I am not worth anything, I lived with numerous families while my mother was in the hospital with cancer and most of the people caring for me would straight out tell me that they didn't want me there and that providing for me was taking food away from their children. I was not wanted and did everything in my power to be invisible. I survived my whole life always wanting to belong but knowing in my heart that nobody wanted me, they just put up with me.
My mother died 3 weeks ago and I was surprised to learn that her will advised that she was to be cremated and that she did't want a funeral. Her wishes were final. She wanted to disappear and never be seen again. She lived with toxic shame not being wanted by her parents and always being told that she was in the way growing up. When she was very young she moved from Canada to the US and became a cleaning lady. Many of her clients considered the help to be beneath them and they often set us know in not so subtle ways. My mother knew that to some of the people she worked for she was considered scum and this also shaped who she was.